Being bullied sucks. It makes you feel like a total failure. It makes you feel miserable. It hurts. It makes you feel scared and upset. It can make you feel that there's something wrong with you. It can make you feel that it's your fault. Well . . . nobody deserves to be bullied!
Bullying is a problem all around the world. If everybody agrees that bullying is wrong, why does it continue? If everybody agrees that bullying is abuse, why isn't something done?
Bullying takes many forms. Here are some ways being bullied has been described as being:
- Called names
- Teased, having rumours spread about you, name-calling, sarcasm
- Pushed or pulled
- Hit or attacked
- Ignored and left out, being ridiculed or humiliated
- Forced to hand over money or possessions
- Attacked because of your religion or colour
- Having your things thrown around
- Having rumours spread about you
- Having unwanted physical contact
Some parents believe a child must learn to "stand up and fight like a man." This is true --up to a point. It's true young people need to learn how to settle conflicts with peers by themselves (and whenever possible without violence). A boy should be able to defend himself against an opponent who is his size and age. But it's not reasonable to expect him to defend himself against frequent threats and attacks from someone older, bigger, and tougher than he is, or against group attacks.
If a child who always liked school suddenly becomes school phobic, the reason may be a bully or a gang. Parents should not hesitate to take action to protect their child and correct the situation.
SIGNS OF BULLYING
- A change in behaviour, such as lack of concentration and/or becoming withdrawn, excessively clingy, depressed, fearful, or emotionally up and down.
- Happy on weekends but not during the week. School or work performance drops.
- Stomach aches, headaches, sleep difficulties, bedwetting, bruising.
- Bingeing on food, cigarettes, alcohol.
- Being frightened of walking to and from school.
- Changing the usual route to school.
- Not wanting to go on the school bus.
- Begging parents to drive them to school.
- Be unwilling to go to school (or be "school phobic").
- Claiming illness in the mornings.
- Start going truant.
- Coming home starving (bully taking food money).
- Attempting or threatening suicide.
- Crying themselves to sleep, having nightmares.
- Asking for money or starting to steal (to pay the bully).
- Refusing to talk about what's wrong.
- Starting to bully other children, siblings.
- Becoming aggressive and unreasonable.
ADULTS WHO BULLY
Adults can and do bully children - parents, other family members, and teachers, for example. They can do it by making you feel bad in front of other people, by shouting and scaring you, by teasing or making fun of you. It can be very hard to do something out it, especially if the adult is the one you would normally turn to if you were being bullied.
WHO ARE THESE BULLIES?
- The first question to ask yourself about them is: "Is this what a happy person would do?"
- Bullies have their own problems - maybe they feel they don't fit in, maybe they have problems at home.
- Bullies could be scared of getting picked on, so they do it first.
- Maybe bullies are showing off. Perhaps they see bullying as a way of being popular, of making themselves look tough, to get attention or make people afraid of them.
- Maybe they don't like themselves, so they take it out on somebody else.
IF YOUR CHILD IS BEING BULLIED
Look for signs
- Children coming home with damaged or missing clothes; without money they should have; or with scratches and bruises.
- Schoolwork seems to be suffering for no apparent reason.
- Your child decides to change the route he or she goes to school.
- Your child is reluctant to go to school, or regularly complains of not feeling well.
- Your child seems different - more emotional, easily upset, or angry.
Ask your child directly. Listen.
- Take it seriously. Your child has summoned up the courage to tell you. Don't tell the child to handle it himself, not to be silly, or not to tell tales. Don't promise to keep the bullying a secret; instead, reassure your child that you'll help them sort out the problem.
- Talk to your child about what to do next. Suggest they make a diary of the bullying incidents so that you have concrete facts to show the school, if necessary.
Speak to the teacher with your child.
- The school is legally responsible for your child's safety to and from school. Sometimes your child may feel more able to talk to a different teacher, or somebody else at the school. The bullying may not stop right away, so encourage your child to keep telling.
- Make sure there are appropriate consequences for the bully, and that there is adequate monitoring of the situation. If the bullying is happening on the way to school, arrange for the child to go to school with older, supportive children, or take him or her until other arrangements care in place.
Insist on involving the bully's parents.
- They may not know that their child is bullying others. Your call may wake them up and prompt them to take action. Or, parents may deny that their child is a bully. In other cases, the parents are bullies themselves and may become verbally abusive toward you.
- Helping the bully and the victim come to a mutually agreeable solution. Most experts agree that saying you're sorry isn't enough, that the bully needs to do something to make things right.
Insist on a meeting with the school principal and the bully's parents.
- The adults may have to sit down and work it out.
If all else fails, you can appeal to the law.
- Some parents hesitate to take these steps because they suspect (or hope) that their child is exaggerating. While this may be true in some cases, it's much more common for youngsters not to tell their parents or teachers that they are being victimized--for fear of retaliation. Instead, they skip school or feign illness.
IF YOU SEE SOMEONE BEING BULLIED
- Today's bullies can be dangerous. They could be packing weapons. This isn't a joke.
- It used to be that bullies were lonely, insecure, and lacked social skills. They were hurt, friendless children who used fear and aggression to get attention and status.
- Today's bullies are different. Research suggests that many bullies have tons of friends and self-confidence. They're not hurting at all. They've simply learned that violence and intimidation can get them what they want. If the bullies in lour school are like this, it may be dangerous to confront them directly.
Turn to higher authorities
- Talk to your parents, teacher, guidance counsellor, school authorities, or the police. You shouldn't have to work in a war zone to get an education!
- Here are some things that others have tried. You might want to try them - if you feel comfortable enough. Don't push it, though.
Support and counsel the victims
- "Don't let it get to you. Everybody knows he's/she's a jerk."
- "He/she just does it because you get so angry. Stay calm. Hang out with us for a while and try not to show it bothers you."
Confront the bully privately
- "I know you don't realize it, but what you're doing really hurts Bill. I thought I'd mention it since I know you're a good sport and aren't doing it deliberately."
Confront the bully in public
- "Cut it out. Nobody finds what you're doing is funny."
Get bystanders involved
- "anybody else here resent it when people get picked on?"
HOW TO HELP A FRIEND WHO IS BEING BULLIED
- First of all-don't rush over and start fighting to protect your friend. It could be dangerous for you, and you could wind up looking like a bully.
- Let a teacher or other adult know what's happening.
- Refuse to join in.
- Try to be friendly to the bully, but even if you can't be friends, being kind can sometimes help the bully stop.
- Sometimes you can't sort it out for yourself. Ask an adult for help.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU'RE BEING BULLIED
Here are some suggestions that you might want to try. Check out the TEEN TOUCH section on problem-solving to get some help putting together a plan of action.
- Check to see if your school has anti-bullying guidelines or some kind of rules about bullying. Then, follow the guidelines.
- Tell a friend what is happening and ask for help. It'll be harder for the bully to pick on you if you have a friend with you.
- Bullies usually pick on kids who are alone. Lonely kids are often targets. Find friends and allies. It's harder to be a bully in front of a group.
- Sometimes, if more than one person is being bullied by the same person, these people will hang around together, so that it's harder for the bully to pick on one person. (Sometimes there's safety in numbers.)
- If a group is bullying you, look the weakest one in the eye and say, "This isn't funny," and then walk away. Or, you can ask one of the group members when they're alone why the group finds it necessary to gang up on one person.
- Try to ignore the bully, or say, "No" strongly, then turn and walk away. Don't worry if people think you're running away. Just remember that it's hard for the bully to continue bullying someone who isn't there.
- Try not to show that the bully has upset you-the bully may get bored if there's no reaction coming from you. They can't bully you if you don't care.
- Don't fight back if you can help it. This could make the situation worse, you could get hurt, or you could get blamed for starting the trouble.
- It's not worth getting hurt just to hang on to your possessions or money. If you feel threatened, give the bullies what they want. Property can be replaced; you can't.
- Believe in yourself. Don't believe that the bully says. You know that's not true.
- Check your body language-if you stoop, hang your head and hunch over, you may be giving off "victim" signals.
- Try use humour to disarm the bully-the important thing is to say something confidently back to the bully.
- Avoid places where bullying is likely to occur
- Tell the bully how the bullying is affecting you.
- Tell a friend, a parent, teacher, an adult or other person in authority. If you're too nervous, take along a friend for moral support.
- Use assertiveness skills-ask questions; change the subject; agree with the bully; ask for advice; paraphrase the bully's comments; set limits.
- Sign up for self-defense courses, because they'll give you more confidence. These lessons don't mean that you should fight back, but they do make you feel more confident.
- Sometimes asking the bully to repeat what was said can put them off. Some bullies aren't brave enough to repeat the remark, so they tone it down or drop it. If they repeat it, you've made them do something they hadn't planned on, and gives you some control.
- Keep a diary of what's happening. You may need a written record of proof.
