Pay attention.
Showing interest in a person says "I like you." Smile. Say "Hello!" Ask questions about their classes, teachers, friends, parents, interests, etc.
Spend time together.
Wanting to be with someone says "I like you." Do things together. Walk together between classes. Talk on the phone.
Be respectful.
Being supportive and trustworthy says "I like you." Say "Please" and "Thank you." Be comforting when he/she is disappointed. Never say anything behind a person's back you wouldn't say to their face.
Be thoughtful.
Being sensitive and attentive says "I like you." Write a note. Listen carefully to everything they say. Give a small gift...etc
Get the word out.
Have your friends tell his/her friends how you feel.
Be Direct.
Use the direct approach. Say: "I really like you." If that's too forward, say "I really like being with you," or, "I really like it when we do things together."
HOW DO YOU ASK SOMEONE OUT?
If you want to ask someone out, you need to know what you're doing. Some groundwork must be done. Here are some tips that will increase your chances of success.
Get to know the person first.
Make an effort to learn about the other person, and give him/her a chance to learn something about you. Sit near the person in class. Talk to him/her (but not during class - this is a turn-off). Sit together at lunch. Hang out with the same group (s). See what you have in common. See if you enjoy each other's company. Then you'll know if you want to go further and ask this person out.
Ask early.
Last-minute invitations are more likely to be rejected. Either the person has other plans, doesn't have plans and wants to hide it from you, or assumes you're making the invitation because you couldn't get anyone else.
Give a few days' advance notice: 3-4 days for something like dinner and/or a movie. This gives plenty of time for her to check with her parents, earn extra money, re-schedule appointments, decide what to wear, etc.
Exception to this rule: when it's an event that came up at the last minute and there was no time for advance notice.
Don't ask too early.
Being too early doesn't look cool. Things can come up unexpectedly and either one of you or both of you could wind up being disappointed.
Choose the right moment.
Timing is important. You don't want to pop the question when the person's rushing somewhere, distracted, surrounded by other people, etc. Wait for a calm, private moment.
Do the asking yourself.
Getting somebody else to do it for you is the coward's way out. Second-hand invitations make you look scared, unsure of yourself, lacking confidence, afraid. They make you look like a wuss.
Second-hand invitations open the door to miscommunication and misunderstanding. How do you know your friend said what you wanted him/her to say? And if the invitation was rejected, how do you know the real reason for the rejection?
If you do the inviting, then only you and the other person know. It's private. Getting somebody else to do it opens the issue up to the public. Your friend could tell a friend who tells a friend who tells . . . and soon the whole school knows. Yuk!!!
Go slowly.
When you ask someone out for the first time, take it easy. Think "date" with a small d. Don't plan something where you'll both be together for hours facing each other, trying desperately to think of something to say. Plan something low-key and informal, like going to a basketball game with a bunch of friends, going shopping, playing tennis. When you're more comfortable with each other, you can go for the "date" with the big D.
Maybe you feel you're cool and can handle anything. Just remember that your date might not feel the same way. So take things easy for his/her sake.
Be specific.
If you make a vague invitation, you're asking for a major hurt. Here's the difference between being vague and being specific:
Vague / specific
- "Whaddaya doin' Friday night?" "Are you free Friday night to go to a basketball game with me and some friends?"
- "Ya wanna go out with me?" "Would you like to go to the Spring Dance with me?"
- "How 'bout doin' somethin' sometime?" "I wonder if you'd like to see that new movie at the Rialto. Maybe this Saturday? It's the last day."
Be positive.
Here's an example of a negative invitation that makes it easy for the person to reject you:
- "You wouldn't want to go to the movies with me, would you?"
- "I don't suppose you're free next Thursday?"
Because these kinds of invitations reveal your lack of confidence, they require the person to contradict you in order to accept your invitation. That's too confusing and too much work:
- "You wouldn't want to go to the movies with me, would you?"
- "I don't suppose you're free next Thursday?"
Remember that when you invite someone, you're paying them a compliment. You're saying that you and your wonderful self wish their company. Give them the message. At least if you're turned down, you gave it your best shot.
Be up-front about money.
Suppose you don't have enough money . . . should you forget about asking? Or suppose you've been invited to a concert but the tickets cost too much for you . . . do you say no? Don't let money keep you from making or accepting invitations. It's normal for teens to be flush one week and broke the next.
If you're the one doing the inviting and plan on paying, you can say:
- "My treat."
- "Would you be my guest for ..........?"
- "I just got my birthday money and I'd love to take you to . . . "
If you're the one being invited, don't be shy about raising the question of who pays. If money isn't an issue, bring some to cover your expenses just in case you need to. If money is an issue, you can say, "I'd love to go, but I'm short on cash right now." That gets things out in the open.
HOW TO SURVIVE REJECTION
So, you've gotten the courage to ask someone out and they've turned you down. What a bummer! But it's not the end of the world, even though you probably feel like an idiot and/or wish you'd never opened your mouth.
In life, you're going to face a lot of rejection. The first thing in your bag of tricks for surviving rejection is not to blame yourself. Pat yourself on the back instead. It took a lot of courage to ask someone out.
Second, don't get mad at the other person - unless they were nasty and mean about turning you down. What would you do if you were the one turning down somebody?
Maybe they're just not interested in you. After all, you're not interested in everybody, are you? Then why should somebody else be interested in you just because you're you?
Maybe they feel you're too good for them. Maybe their life is too complicated right now. Maybe they're in the middle of getting out of a bad relationship and need some time to breathe. Maybe this person thinks that in the long run it just wouldn't work, so why hurt and be hurt?
The point here is that you don't know all the details. And the other person doesn't know all your details, either.
If they turned you down in a nice way, then maybe you'll respect them. If you accepted the rejection politely, maybe they'll respect you. After all . . . you never know what the future may bring.
WHAT IF YOU'RE THE ONE BEING ASKED OUT?
You have three possible answers: "Yes." "Maybe." "No."
- If your answer is "Yes".
Be enthusiastic. Say: "I'd love to." "That sounds great!" "I've always wanted to do that." "I was hoping you'd ask me." Remember that the person who asked probably sweated bullets for weeks before popping the question. And you want to let the person know how much you appreciate being asked. So he or she deserves more than saying, "Okay," "Sure," "I guess," or "Why not?"
If you accept, don't back out later unless there's an emergency or you get sick. It's not fair. He or she may have made arrangements or spent money or told other people. Your backing out might prove embarrassing as well as inconvenient. And it might give you a reputation for being unreliable and hurtful.
- If your answer is "Maybe".
Sometimes you have to check with your parents or reschedule something before you can accept. If so, be as enthusiastic as you would have if you were saying "Yes." Then explain the catch. Let the person know when you'll have a definite answer. Don't invent a phony excuse to keep someone on the hook for days while you wait to see if something better comes along.
- If your answer is "No".
There are three types of "no":
I'm hoping someone else will ask me
You can't tell the truth. And you can't lie. It's better to say, "I'm sorry, but I have plans for that day. Thanks for asking."
It would be rude if you were asked what your plans are. If this happens, you don't have to say anything. Just keep repeating that you have other plans and eventually the person will give up.
I'd love to but I can't
The key here is to let the person know you really want to be asked again. Make sure you let the person know how much you regret having to say no.
"I'm soooooo sorry, but that's the night I'm going to my grandma's birthday party. But please ask me again. I'd love to do it some other time."
I wouldn't go out with you for a billion dollars
Just because you wouldn't go out with the person for a billion dollars doesn't mean you have to be mean or rude. Just say that you already have plans or aren't free that evening. If the person asks you out at a different time, just repeat that you have plans.
If the person calls again, repeat. If the person keeps calling, you'll have to be more direct: "I'm flattered, but I just don't see us going out together." If the person keeps on, then you'll have to be more direct:
- "I'm just not the person for you."
- "I'm interested in someone else."
- "I'm not dating anyone these days."
This kind of answer respects the other person's feelings and closes the door to any argument. Only someone totally clueless won't get the hint.
Don't blab about the person. How would you feel if you got turned down? You'd probably feel hurt and disappointed. What if the person who turned you down told everybody?
HOW TO SURVIVE A BREAK-UP
Nobody enjoys a break-up, no matter how old they are. Ending a relationship can be messy and painful.
If you're the person breaking up, here's how to do it quickly and directly, with minimal damage to both parties:
Do it face-to-face.
And do it privately.
Don't accuse or blame.
This only increases the hurt and the likelihood of an argument or the person saying, "I'll change."
Avoid "making a case".
You want the break-up to seem like it was fated to happen and not the result of anyone's behaviour. Simply say, "I want to go out with other people," or "I guess I don't feel the way I used to." Make it clear that your feelings have changed and that it's not the other person's fault.
Now you have to put the pieces back together, but the pieces aren't going back the same way they did before. What can you do?
Time is your best friend in surviving a break-up. Keep busy. The busier you are, the less time you have to feel miserable.
Talk is your next-best friend. Find someone you trust and who you feel will understand and help you get through this difficult time.
Take it one day at a time. Things usually have a tendency to get better. It's just a matter of getting through each day, and the next one becomes a little easier.
HEALTHY DATING BILL OF RIGHTS
As a partner in a relationship, I have the right to . . .
- Open and honest communication with my partner.
- Express my feelings and ideas without criticism.
- Be respected by my dating partner.
- Emotional support through good times and bad.
- Feel free from pressure to participate in sexual activity or other risky behaviours.
- Determine my own personal and physical boundaries.
- Spend as much time with my friends and family as I wish.
- Make decisions independently.
- Feel safe physically and emotionally within the relationship.
- Break off an emotionally or physically abusive relationship without fear of retaliation.
