Moving can create tremendous stresses within a family. After all, when you move you close one door and open another. Moving is a kind of loss, a separation, and all those feelings connected with these life events come into play when you move.
Moving is especially difficult for children. Moving is a big risk for them.
Frequently, they give up the most--their home, their friends, their best friends, their school and their neighbourhood--as they enter into the unknown, the unpredictable. Generally, the older the child, the more difficult the move, because the importance of the peer group increases with age.
The following ideas may help you to ease your family's transition from one residence to another.
TALK TO YOUR FAMILY ABOUT THE MOVE
Explain clearly why the move is necessary. Describe the advantages of the new location that children might appreciate
There are going to be a lot of mixed feelings about the move--fears, anxieties, ambivalence. These may show up as difficulty sleeping, eating, or changes in habits. Moods may swing back and forth between feeling panic-stricken and feeling that it really isn't that big a deal.
Talk to your children. Let them talk--and really listen to them. Help them talk about their fears. Find out what they will miss the most. Avoid letting your own feelings get in the way by reassuring your children before they have had a chance to ventilate. Avoid saying , "Yes . . . but . . ."
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN IN THE MOVING PLANS AND HOUSE HUNTING
If the children cannot participate, take pictures of the new area. Allow children to make some decisions, such as how they will arrange and decorate their room. Involve your children in packing their belongings.
HELP THEM DEVELOP COPING STRATEGIES
If they worry about missing friends, you might want to arrange some kind of going-away event to help your child and their friends cope. Perhaps there is some way for them to keep in touch with their old friends. Or, if you are moving to another town, let them make a long-distance telephone call per week. These things can make it easier to cope with change.
Preview the change
Help them know more about the place they're moving to: visit the school, visit the neighbourhood and meet the neighbours, visit the community club, the playgrounds. The move should be less of a shock because your children will know something about the new place. You will have helped them become familiar with their new home even before they move into it.
Letting-go rituals help
Your children may want to leave something behind--bury something in the back yard, plant a tree or shrub.
The night before you all leave, have everyone light a candle and say good-bye to the house and the memories it contains.
HOW TO HELP YOUR FAMILY COPE AFTER MOVING
- Set up the children's rooms first. This will promote a sense of familiarity as well as a place to relax, unpack, or play while the rest of the unpacking is going on.
- Take short walks around the neighbourhood. This is a great way to meet new neighbours and potential playmates. Explore the neighbourhood--visit the recreation centre, the library, meet the mail carrier.
- Help your children draw a neighbourhood map, with the locations of the school, playground, community centre, shopping area so that they can feel more confident finding their way around.
- Check out local groups your family may have been involved with in your former community--churches, sports, social, ethnic or cultural organizations and activities.
- Arrange a tour of your child's school. Besides classrooms, be sure to locate the library, cafeteria, gymnasium, playground, bathrooms and bus stop.
- When you feel more settled, invite immediate neighbours, especially those with children, to a backyard picnic or barbecue, so that the kids can get to know each other in a relaxed, informal atmosphere.
HOW KIDS HANDLE A MOVE
Children respond to the prospect of moving in different ways--and depending on their age. It is generally believed that the older the child, the harder the move. Here's how the different age groups deal with moving.
Infants and toddlers
Infants and toddlers simply are confused by the change in surroundings. Their environment is small and not very complex.
Preschool children
Preschoolers tend to miss certain places, such as a favouite park or playhouse. Younger children tend to miss familiar people--for example, a favourite teacher--and safe and secure environments, like school, or even their own bedrooms.
Children under the age of six may worry about being left behind or being separated from their parents. It's very important to them to be able to express their feelings and fears about the move. But they react well to having a task or job to do--like being responsible for boxing up their favourite toys and "labelling" these boxes with crayons and markers. This gives them a sense of some control over the move.
Children from 6 to 12
Elementary-aged children worry about whom they'll eat lunch with and if they'll like their teacher. They tend as well to be concerned about how their everyday routines will change. So, if your children are in various structured activities (like sports, cultural or other lessons and activities), it is important that they be able to continue these activities in the new neighbourhood.
Teenagers
Older children--especially teenagers--tend to miss their friends and others in their communities with whom they have developed relationships. Teenagers are most concerned about fitting in. They may react angrily to the move, or even insist that they're not moving. This is due in large part to the total lack of control they have over everything in their lives that is important--friends, school, jobs.
They can be particularly worried about making new friends, about what will be different in the new school. On the other hand, they are curious about clothing, hairstyles, bicycles, cars, etc., that kids in the new neighbourhood will have.
Generally, most children adapt to their new location within about nine weeks; however, for some the adjustment period may last from six months to one and one-half years.
There is no strong evidence that moving has an unfavourable effect on children. The evidence does suggest that the reasons for the move (divorce, new job, etc.) affect a child's reaction to moving.
But according to the experts, the attitude of the parents is the single most important factor that determines how well a child will cope with moving. If the parents see the move as an adventure and focus on the opportunities presented by moving, then the children will be more likely to accept the situation in a positive manner.
