Get details (pretend you're a reporter). This will give you time to think.
Make sure you understand the issue. Show that you've listened and understood by repeating what your parent(s) said.
Get them to talk about what they did as teenagers. This may remind them of what it felt like.
PARENTS WHO ARE OVERPROTECTIVE
Parents usually make rules because they love you and don't want you to get hurt. Show them you understand the dangers they're worried about. Think up rules that are fairer than theirs and ask them to try your rules.
Keep them up to speed about your life. Let them meet your friends and see where you hang out.
Get a friend's parent to talk to them-but casually.
Saying, "Everybody else can," "It's my life," "Times have changed," didn't work for your parents and it won't work for you, either.
Write a protest letter, telling them what you think about how they feel and spelling out your point of view.
PARENTS WHO FIGHT
Tell them it bothers you (but don't say it during a fight-they won't hear you).
Get a family friend or relative to step in.
Don't take sides; instead, try to understand each other's point of view.
Go for a walk, phone a friend, or do something else to get you through their fight.
PARENTS WHO DIVORCE
Remember that it's not your fault. It's their relationship that's fallen apart.
You can't stop it. Trying to stop it will only make you feel worse.
Look at the bright side-you won't have to deal with fights any more.
Don't let one parent put down the other parent in front of you. Remind them that it's their divorce, not yours, and that you don't have to hate one parent in order to love the other. Remind them that while it may be over for them after the divorce, it'll never be over for you, because now you have two separate lives and it's going to be hard to keep them separate.
Tell the parent you're visiting that you want to see them. Often.
Focus on your own life. Keep busy.
PARENTS WHO REMARRY
Don't get in the middle. Let your step-parent spend time with your parent. They love each other and need time alone together. Let them know you understand and don't force your parent to choose between you and your step-parent.
If you feel left out, tell your parent and look for a compromise.
Do something nice for your step-parent, to break the ice.
Try to see your step-parent the way you see your friend's parents-someone you might talk to about things that are too hot for your mom or dad to handle. You might as well-because you're not going to make your step-parent disappear.
Most step-parents don't want to replace your parent. Somebody has to define the new relationship-rules, regulations, etc. Maybe you should all sit down together and figure them out.
PARENT WHO DRINK OR DO DRUGS
Encourage your parent(s) to get help.
Ask an adult you trust to step in.
Call Al-Ateen, a group for other kids in the same boat, or Al-Anon, which has groups for families of people with drinking problems.
Don't let him/her blame you for the problem. There's NO WAY it's your fault!
Your parent'(s) mood swings are a result of the drinking or drug problem. They've got nothing to do with you.
PARENTS WHO ABUSE YOU PHYSICALLY OR SEXUALLY
Tell someone right away-an adult you trust. If they don't help, tell someone else until you get help.
Remember: nobody has the right to abuse you-physically or sexually.
You are not to blame. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything to make it happen.
Don't feel bad about protecting yourself.
HOW TO HANDLE YOUR "STAFF"
Most families have domestic staff who provide services like cooking, cleaning, laundry, security, recreation, transportation, tutoring, and instructions. They're called "Mom" and "Dad." Here's how to get along with them and other family members.
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Acknowledge their presence
This doesn't mean you have to say something every time you run into the room. And it doesn't mean you should interrupt. But it's nice, especially in the morning (when you're thrilled to see that they didn't disappear overnight) to say, "Good morning." And "good night" is a pleasant way to end the day. And if your paths should cross between morning and night, it's okay to talk to them and show them you care about them and their lives.
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Notice their moods
Sometimes they need to be alone. Sometimes they need company. Sometimes they need a helping hand. And sometimes they just need someone to say, "You seem kind of sad/upset/stressed-out today" and ask if there's anything you can do to help. If they want to talk, they will. And if they don't talk, they'll still appreciate your thoughtfulness.
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Watch your timing
If your brother just broke up with his girlfriend, it's not a good time to tease him. Adjust your behaviour to the feelings and needs of others.
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Talk to them
Just because your parents brought you into this world, nursed you, fed you, wiped you, clothed you, comforted you, and devoted thousands of hours and dollars towards bringing you up, your parents have this crazy idea that they have a right to know what's going on in your life.
You don't have to divulge your innermost secrets. Just the kind of chitchat that says, "Hi. I know you're here."
It doesn't have to be deeply personal-just stuff about classes, teachers, other kids, plans, current events, etc.
Ask them questions. Ask about their work and friends, their childhood, what they worry about, how they got along with their parents, how they met-the list is endless. They'll get a warm glow from having spent some time with you.
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Bring things up before they become problems
Don't wait until the last minute to ask to borrow the car.
And don't ever volunteer a parent to do anything without checking first.
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Let your parents know where you are
Depending on your age and trustworthiness and where you live, this may mean that within certain limits you can come and go as you please, or that you must leave a note or phone message. These minimal steps reduce parental anxiety. They don't mean you're a baby or untrustworthy.
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Smile on occasion
Scowling teenagers look like Darth Vaders. You don't have to grin like a monkey 12 hours a day. You don't have to walk around with a fake smile plastered on your face. But your parents will notice and appreciate the occasional smile.
But . . . if you've been in a permanent snit for the past few years, start slowly. You don't want to make your parents suspicious or wonder what you're up to.
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Pick up after yourself
If you're ever kidnapped, of course you should leave a trail of belongings. Otherwise, close doors, shut drawers, wipe off, pick up, put away, take back, and clear off as required.
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Do things without being asked
Thoughtful gestures will do wonders to enhance your standing at home.
THE 25 RUDEST THINGS TEENAGERS DO AT HOME
- Interrupt conversations.
- Don't say "Please" and "Thank you."
- Wear hats at the table.
- Throw backpacks and jackets on the floor when they come home.
- Talk back.
- Use vulgar language
- Behave badly to siblings; annoy each other on purpose.
- Are rude on the telephone.
- Say "Yeah" or "Uh-huh" instead of "Yes."
- Whine.
- Leave a mess for others to clean up.
- Ignore their parents' requests.
- Don't respond when spoken to.
- Watch TV so closely that they ignore everything else.
- Don't appreciate the value of money.
- Don't appreciate the value of their belongings.
- Don't use silverware or napkins.
- Chew with their mouth open.
- Wipe their hands on their clothes.
- Call people names.
- Say, "I hate . . ."
- Want to talk when parents are on the phone.
- Insist that parents take care of their problems, even when parents have said they're too busy at the moment.
- Treat adults as peers.
- Don't blow their noses.
