The key to solving a teacher problem that seems impossible is honest communication. If you really want to get through to your teacher, it can be done.

A STEP-BY-STEP PLAN

1. Double-check who or what is causing the problem

Be honest about the source of the problem. If you don't like the way your teacher's treating you, ask yourself why you're being treated that way. Could it be something you're doing or not doing? Could it be your attitude?

Try to pinpoint what ticks off your teacher. Is your work good but lately has gotten a little sloppy? Do you speak up in class and forget to raise your hand? These may be little things to you, but not to some teachers.

Forget about who's right or wrong and go to the next step.

2. Check whether you want to have this problem

Try this exercise: close your eyes and imagine a recent situation that caused trouble with your teacher. Get in touch with how you felt. Then say to yourself, "This teacher's mean; this teacher hates me," or something like that. Repeat it several times.

If it feels good to say, maybe you enjoy being a problem to your teacher.

Sometimes students who want attention in class but can't be star students take the role of troublemakers or black sheep.

Sometimes students who don't feel truly successful in school do things to get put down and then have a reason to complain about how terrible school is.

If you're into this kind of thing, your best bet is to admit it and ask for help. You need to become a part of your class in a positive way-maybe not the same way as your classmates, but one that is good for you..

But if it feels bad to think about your teacher's dislike of you, if it makes you feel nervous and your stomach gets tight, then you can be pretty sure you're not trying to create the problem. But it still exists. So, to get more perspective on it, go to the next step.

3. Get feedback

It often helps to talk to someone else about the problem, to get an outsider's honest opinion. Talk things over with a friend from class. Ask if there's anything you do that triggers the teacher. Or, talk to a guidance counselor or another adult in the school whom you trust. The more you learn, the more you know, and that means better chances of resolving the problem.

Maybe you're taking the teacher's behavior too personally. Perhaps the teacher is sarcastic to everyone. If so, you shouldn't feel singled out. Or maybe your teacher has a habit of selecting one student each year to criticize and challenge, and you just happen to be this year's "winner." If you've been picked, remember that it's the teacher's "thing," and not any kind of failure on your part.

Sometimes a teacher doesn't see you for who you really are. Maybe you're carrying a poor reputation from last year. Maybe you remind the teacher of someone he/she doesn't like. If so, it may take consistently positive behavior to show the teacher who you really are.

4. Weigh your options

• If the problem is you:

Maybe you'll change your behavior-a little extra effort to write clearly or get to class on time could go a long way.

You may decide the behavior your teacher dislikes isn't wrong. Suppose your teacher doesn't like students who wear jeans, have long hair, or talk about freedom. You can decide whether or not to change. Are the clothes and ideas central to your personality and identity? If so, you may decide not to change, just as a matter of principle. If so, be aware of the consequences. By not pleasing a teacher, you may lose approval and get even lower grades. Only you can decide whether the issue at stake is important enough.

• If the problem is the teacher:

Sometimes you may decide you can live with it. For example, if your math teacher embarrasses you every time you screw up a math problem, and that's just his/her way of getting kids to learn, maybe you can also learn not to feel hurt or insecure.

If it's more serious, you owe it to yourself to speak to the teacher directly. Make an appointment to talk with your teacher and tell your teacher you want to talk about what's going on between you or what's going on in class. It takes courage to do this. The risk is that things may not work out or may get worse. But by practicing good communication, there's a greater possibility you can talk your way to a real understanding. Here are some suggestions.

5. Communicate in a positive way

These five pointers can help you avoid having a confrontation that makes things worse.

• Act soon

Don't put off dealing with the problem.

• Be specific

Discuss what's bothering you right now. Let past hurts remain in the past. Instead of saying, "You aren't giving fair marks to papers," it's better to say, "I don't think you've given me credit for this project because . . ."

• Be respectful

This is hard, especially when you feel the teacher doesn't show respect for you. But poor behaviour by an adult doesn't justify poor behaviour by you. Teachers are much more likely to consider your feelings if you approach them reasonably and politely. And don't judge. Just state your own opinion. You'll get better results when you say, "I didn't get the third problem," than if you say, "You didn't explain that very well."

• Send "I" messages

This is a powerful communication tool. Simply start with "I": "I think . . ." "I feel . . ." "I would like . . ." Here's how an "I" message works:

Instead of complaining that a class is boring, try saying, "I couldn't get into the lesson today."

Instead of accusing the teacher of playing favourites, try, "I don't understand why my paper got a lower grade than John's."

Instead of burning inside with resentment, try saying, "I know it's your job to correct us, but your criticism today hurt my feelings very badly."

The difference? Instead of criticizing your teacher and putting him/her on the defensive, you've simply stated your feelings. You've also opened the door, given your teacher the chance to explain his/her side of the issue, and tried to find a better solution.

• Don't expect complete change

If you fantasize about getting your own way, or getting revenge, you won't be satisfied, and you may create more disagreement. Remember that you want to resolve the problem, not win the war.

Big problems may require more work. You may have to stand up for yourself more than once. You and the teacher may have to agree to tolerate each other. And if your teacher is completely unresponsive or negative, you'll have to find other alternatives.

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IF ALL ELSE FAILS, SEEK AN ALLY

If the problem is too terrible to live with and you can't solve it yourself, look for help. A guidance counsellor, another teacher, your parents could help you negotiate.

If you've tried, give yourself credit

It takes courage to stand up for yourself. It takes courage to face up to teachers and others in authority. Many students prefer to complain or tune out the teacher. But that's the easy way out. You've tried to solve your problem in a more mature way.

Maybe you were successful. Maybe not. Give some second thought to the choices you made, the conversations you had. Perhaps you'll see ways to improve things next time.

• If you and your teacher are getting along better, congratulations.
• If you haven't been able to improve the situation, at least you tried.
• You didn't cop out.
• You did your best.
• Next time, you may do even better!

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