Here are some tips that will help you sort out some of the issues families face.
Conversations Teens Crave
When several hundred young people were asked what they really wished they could talk about with their parents, they named the following eight topics:
Family matters.
Teens want to be included in decisions that affect the whole family as well as decisions that affect them directly. If there is a problem in the family (money problems, job pressures, an impending divorce, a serious illness), they want to know about it.
Controversial issues.
Teens have lots of questions. Is it right to lie? What does sex feel like? What do people mean when they say drugs make you high? What does homo mean? They wish their parents would talk to them about these and other controversial subjects instead of saying, "You're too young," or "It's too complicated to explain."
Emotional issues.
Teens want to know how their parents really feel about things. And they want to hear their parents say "I love you" more often than most do.
The big whys.
Why do people go to war? Why does God let people go hungry? They're on the verge of philosophical thinking and wish their parents would talk about the "big" questions.
The future.
Children want to know what it's like to be a teenager, and teenagers want to talk about graduation and careers.
Current affairs.
Teens are often more concerned about current events than their parents realize. When something happens in the world or in their community, they want to talk about it.
Personal interests.
Adolescents wish their parents would show more interest in them--in their sports, their hobbies, their friends.
Parents themselves.
Teens want to know more about what their parents were like at their age. They especially like stories that reveal their parents' emotional sides and human frailties.
WHAT'S A PARENT TO DO?
Talk about your teenager's interests and concerns.
Almost all teenagers like to talk. If you show genuine interest in what's happening in your teenager's life and your teenager's opinions, he or she is more likely to open up. But if you merely go through the motions--"How was your day?" or a "That's very interesting, dear" as you open the newspaper--he'll know. Too many parent-teenager conversations focus on household chores, schedules, grooming, and other mundane subjects. "When are you going to clean your room?" and "Stop picking your face" are hardly conversation starters.
Share your own feelings and concerns.
One way to help your child become an adult is to let her into your world. This doesn't mean becoming "pals." She still needs you as a parent. And it's not appropriate to dump all of your problems into her lap. What it does mean is letting her see that you are a person with feelings, hopes, dreams, frustrations and disappointments. Knowing that you are not always sure of yourself makes adulthood less intimidating.
Trust your child.
If you expect trouble, you'll probably find it. If you accuse your daughter of being promiscuous because she dates a lot, she may turn your accusations into reality. If you constantly tell your son his friends are no good and are going to get him into trouble, he'll stop bringing friends home. Instead of suspecting the worst, assume the best. When something goes wrong, believe that your child has good intentions.
Be supportive.
When you're struggling with your own adult-sized problems, it's easy to treat your teenager's problems as trivial. You have years of experience dealing with things and have probably developed a sense of proportion. But the teenager who just got a D on a test, whose best friend won't talk to him, or who is the last one of his friends to shave, doesn't have your experience and sense of proportion. He may feel like it's the end of the world. Let him know that you understand how much it hurts.
Use humor, but use it wisely.
Timing is everything. Humor can defuse a situation and open the door to a good heart-to-heart talk. But make sure that the humor helps your teenager laugh at his or her own situation. Don't use humor to make fun of your teen's concerns. Nobody likes being teased, even if the teasing is good-natured.
Don't be alienated by gender.
Gender shouldn't influence how you relate to your child. Your daughter is still her father's daughter. Your son is still his mother's son. When parents back off because they think their adolescent doesn't want or need their affection any longer, teenagers feel abandoned. When parents crack down because they expect adolescents to act up, teenagers feel abused. Love is the most important thing you can give your adolescent. But love alone is not enough.
Parents and Their Adolescent's Friends
How to keep involved in your adolescent's life without interfering unnecessarily.
-
Guidelines
Know your adolescent's friends
The kind of friends your teenager has says a lot about who s/he is and what s/he is likely to be doing when you aren't around. If your son's friends are "jocks," he probably feels most himself and most successful in sports. If your daughter's friends are "artsy," "preppie," or "brains," that's how she sees herself and wants to be seen by others.
Get to know your teenager's friends as individuals--without forcing yourself on them. This doesn't mean you should try to be one of the girls or guys. That's intruding. But you can stop by your teenager's room to chat when a friend visits--asking how it's going, complimenting them on their clothes or congratulating them on an award, and so on. When you show an interest in your adolescent's friends, your children are less likely to keep a secret social life outside the family. They are less likely to see their parents and their friends as being on opposite sides of the fence.
Don't make hasty conclusions based on looks, clothing, language or interests.
Some adolescents at this age to go extremes to prove that they're not like their parents, that they are independent. They're also experimenting with different identities. Nasty comments will only drive them away or make them feel they can't bring their friends home.
But if you honestly feel your teenager is getting in with the wrong crowd, say so. Find a quiet time to say what you think--that those friends aren't nearly as interesting or bright as your child is. What does your child see in them? Your support may open the door to new ways of thinking and behaving.
Adolescents listen to their parents, even if they pretend not to. You may find that the seeds you plant bear fruit.
Make room for peer activities.
Adolescents need time to be with their friends. Remember when you would "hang out" with your friends? It's not a waste of time. They're working on who they are and who they want to be. So don't structure your teenager's time so tightly that there's no time to be with friends, because you could be depriving him/her of an important part of growing up.
Stay close to your adolescent.
Don't misinterpret your teen's interest in peers as a rejection of you and pull back. Don't assume that your teen doesn't need you so much any more and "disappear". Don't "let go". Close relationships with parents are still the best insurance that teens will choose friends their parents like and resist negative peer pressure.
When to worry
If your adolescent has no friends.
Persistent friendlessness is a sign of problems and may be a cause of future problems like delinquency and depression. You may want to consult with a professional.
If your adolescent is secretive about his/her social life.
Sharing secrets with a friend is one thing. Keeping friends secret is another. If your child never talks about his friends, never brings anyone home, refuses to identify who called on the phone and goes out of his/her way to be along when you pick him/her up, there's a reason. Whatever the reason, you should find out.
If your adolescent suddenly loses interest in friends.
Everyone wants to be alone sometimes, but a sudden, complete loss of interest in social activities that lasts more than two weeks can be a sign of depression.
If all your adolescent's friends are much older.
There's nothing wrong with having a few older friends who share your adolescent's interests or who live nearby. But when your child spends all his/her time with an older crowd, it's time to evaluate the situation. Girls who spend all their time with an older crowd may be pressured into mature activities (sex, drugs, etc.) before they can make responsible decisions. Boys may have to prove themselves to the crowd in harmful ways (smoking, drinking).
While older friends are not necessarily something to worry about, you would be wise to pay attention.
