Make time for friends

Calculate how much time your child has for making friends (how busy he/she is).

• Drop activities that don't yield friendships:
• Television and video games
• Friends of convenience (any child your child doesn't like)
• Teams with poor adult supervision
• Drop activities that soak up your time and don't yield friendships

Encourage interests that attract friends:

• Develop interactive interests--toys/games that take at least two persons to play, that don't encourage aggression, are fun to play, have simple rules, don't take too long to play, and are not expensive
• Practice the games with your child to develop an interest in the game and to make it fun to play
• Find friends in the neighborhood:
• Enroll your child in the neighborhood school
• Look for neighborhood activities like classes, group activities (e.g. scouts, theatre, day camps), and team sports

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Where and when to make friends

It's not a good idea to try to make friends when the teacher or coach is talking, or when other children are trying to work in the classroom. Potential playmates get annoyed or don't want to get into trouble.

It's better to try when children are waiting or unoccupied (e.g., before or after school, before or after team practice), or at playgrounds and lunchrooms.

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Checklist for joining other children at play

Find a suitable place in the neighborhood to meet other children.

Watch a group of children playing:

• Begin by watching the game 20-30 feet away.
• Pick children the same age or slightly younger than yours and at about the same skill level.
• Does your child know the rules of the game?
• Does your child know who's winning or who needs the most help.
• (girls only): does your child know which girl brought the toy?

Coach your child about how to join:

• Wait for a break in the activity.
• Try to join the team that needs the most help.
• Have your child rehearse what s/he will say to try to join.
• Review with your child the reasons why children are kept out of a game.
• Take "no" for an answer and move on to other children playing.
• Coach your child how to praise other children's behavior.

Encourage your child to try to join:

• Watch from afar.
• If your child was successful, end on a good note.
• If your child has trouble playing with others, wait 10 minutes and then take him/her out of the game.
• Try again if your child wasn't successful.
• Review the reasons for rejection.
• Try steps 1-6 again with another group of children.
• Praise your child for the things s/he did well.

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Rules of being a good sport

1. Take the game seriously--no clowning around.
2. No refereeing (e.g., pointing out rule violations).
3. Let others have fun, too.
4. Praise other children ("nice try").
5. If bored, suggest a change in activity or switch positions.
6. Suggest a new rule instead of arguing.
7. If you win, pretend winning wasn't important to you.
8. Don't walk away from a game when you are losing or when you're tired of playing.

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Teasing

Children tease because it's fun to see someone get upset when his buttons are pushed. Up to grade 2, children tease by calling names.

Older children use more elaborate statements:

• Attacking the dignity of family members (especially mothers, because it hurts more).

Teach your child to take the fun out of the teasing:

• "So what?"
• "Can't you think of anything else to say?"
• "That's so old it's got dust on it."
• "Tell me when you get to the funny part."
• "And your point is . . ."

From:
Fred Frankel "Good Friends are Hard to Find"
Los Angeles: Perspective Publishing, 1996

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